messy wisdom

Am I destined to listen to the birds croon as I 
clench my own hand through the dark?

How I long to repair my lead glass heart, 
its cullet scattered beneath my skin

Oh, to be a kaleidoscope, 
held to the mirror so even in the shards, 
I may be beautiful

Will my love always be received with latex gloves?

Mom knew I loved outer space so like a wandering star
she slipped into my bedroom
constructed the cosmos on the ceiling with cheap tacky,
a glow-in-the-dark nebula of comets and stardust

And in the light of the aurora,
she carefully painted my walls carnation pink
with a baby blue trim
and hemmed clandestine gardens of
fairies romping in flowers yet to bloom
Often in twinkling nights, 
the fairies would waltz
along with her soft hum in the distance

And when my world was enveloped in darkness,
black holes ever cavernous,
I’d look up to Mom’s constellations
and remember how she gave me the sky.

after K

I hope my last words are dirty

I hope I am survived by a bittersweet symphony of 
spasmodic giggles and vulgar cries

I’ll sneak into my night on timid tiptoes and
whisper sharp nothings into your pinned ears

I’ll be the light at the end of the tunnel,
composing a tight five on your paper lungs

I hope my last words are dirty
For I no longer desire to be so certain of what is on the other side

But rather, 
to be certain that I will be survived by gentle eye rolls and
tacit grins - 

Signs of life well lived.

I know I had too much to drink
I don’t know what I was wearing
or how long it took you to get into my bed
I remember the lapses in my memory and
the lack of judgment in yours

I know I had too much to drink
and I know you were wholly conscious
You promised to take care of me,
tell me, where did you stow your conscience?

And maybe the actions don’t make the man, but
maybe his excuses do

I know I didn’t say yes
or maybe or soon or later

I said nothing
during your reckless abandon of me
I said nothing
because I was under an influence
I said nothing 
because I should have been at rest
I said nothing 
to aid and abet your stained glass reputation
while cutting myself on the shards of my memory 
 
In the darkness, 
I said nothing

I said nothing
I said nothing
I said nothing

Singsong serenades from Black-Capped Chickadees
Clammy bodies like a skein across the trail 
Cr-cru-crun-crunch of Autumn leaves under feet
Backpacks like boulders on Sisyphus’s sleepy shoulders
Unleashing nose-wrinkling odors of spoiled onion and meat

And when we finally find nature’s Swarga Loka
Our shriveled tongues panting for sweet relief
We dance in freezing waters like Sarasvati
And slide like skipping stones down smooth springs
A bucolic paradise of cerulean blue and emerald green

Oh, these halcyon days.

Bare hands dig a grave in unsullied ground

You bury the memories, 
and pray a flower blooms.

You,
Unsuspecting foot meets Lego
Lemon juice in my papercut
You, 
Cassette tape strung-out
Wasp sting on my middle finger

I prodded and I pricked until the life oozed out of you
Irritation abounds my cornered body
Longing to run away once more
And for you, 
You, thump on my funny bone, 
You, uneven eyeliner wing
For you to disappear as fast as you forged

Oh, how I wish you’d leave my cleaved sole
How I demand you never return
How I pray the pressure alleviates and the friction relieves
How I long for you, 

You, ads on the radio, 
You, car in both parking spots, 
You, high-school-friend-turned-MLM,

How I long for you to vanish,
and I to heal.

Mother begs me to apologize
Impassive I tell her 
that’s just what dogs do
the meal was out for the taking 
and my dog wasn’t trained well 
but I can’t help but think
I am not unlike when Mary 
goes to the bar and 
Mike tries to slip his hand up her skirt 
and the bartender says 
she should have worn pants.

But what to do when I can’t forgive You?
Prayer hands around my neck
Tears against burning cheeks 
like smoldered ashes
A nail for each leg, uncrossed

A flood, a fire, a death among friends – 
Where does the omnipotent go to hide?